Nothing fills the cold, dark void of personified meals quite like a burger telling you to bite it. And from baby burgers too, the cutest of all animal by-products. Unless you have the stomach of a high society ant who had a rivetta last week, it’s generally accepted that you’ll buy two. There’s more than sweet cheesy goodness as an extra as well, with controversial additions like pineapple and a Bloody Mary ‘secret’ sauce. Hmm. Grab a few adorable wee buns and callously consume them before your shocked partner’s eyes. Then order 6 more.
Best Burgers in Central London
Name gets straight to it. Meat, bread, done, standard. We like it. Except we’re working with The Man Who Wasn’t There style title deception, and Patty & Bun has a total disregard for the classic Ron-Swanson style bun. Kind of despicable but we like it, and when you’re biting into your chicken and smoked garlic aioli burger, all wrapped up in a brioche bun, well, you’ll be tasting the high life son.
It’s okay, we’ve all been there, lying awake in bed, ignoring the lull of our phones and its blue light treatment and thinking ‘I wonder what Icelandic burgers taste like’. Pretty…pretty good, is the answer. Go to Tommi’s Burger Joint, customize your bun, grab a milkshake, eat everything, order another one, stare shame-faced at the empty plate, remember you’re the master of your own life, and then finally, finally get a full night’s sleep.
American import this time, and a fast-food style set up with slightly more wholesome practices. Grimy bags of frozen fries are replaced with actual real potatoes with knobbly bits and everything, alongside sauces made with the fancy non-canned ingredients. For a real upper crust-slumming-with-the-plebs meal, grab yourself the CEO - a double waygu beef and brisket blend patty, candied bacon and tomato jam with truffle aioli and Swiss cheese. Then wipe your mouth on your sleeve, sniff loudly and grab the bus home.
Best Burgers in North London
‘They’ll grow out of eating cr*p like that,” our parents told themselves as our 15-year-old self lay across a carpet of fries, pushing yet another sat on patty into our hollow, void-like mouth. We did. We grew, we matured - we moved on to the kind of deluxe burgers you can eat with a knife and fork, but that you don’t because it’s wrong and you’re not an animal. Grab a veggie burger if you’re so inclined, but don’t expect a reaction stronger than a lazy shrug and a mild ‘yeah s’not bad’. It’s all about the carnivore choices here and worth the awkward muttering as you ask for a ‘mother flipper’ burger.
Ignore the nightmare inducing beer bottle and chicken leg gurning up at you from the menu. We’re all scared, it’s okay, and it’s the cosy ‘is this actually rustic or sandpapered’ interior and good old fashion artery crushing food that we come here for anyway. It’s got the goods, and the monthly burgers based on the best ‘wasn’t-Bill-Murray-in that?’ indie films, is a touch that at least some of us will appreciate.
Another disturbing menu. We can’t explain the Greedy Burger image, where a suit wearing bear complete with pink napkin stares lustily, tongue lolling, at a stacked, and, we presume, innocent young burger. Order one and just eat it like a normal person. Not much done to hipsterfy these creations, with a focus on just cooking the patty to the perfect ‘juicy but not dangerously close to salmonella’ stage. We really like these burgers. Not as much as the bears but still…a lot.
When a menu is closer in length to the done section on your daily tick list, you’re either in for a specialised, supreme burger or a sad, Burnt By the Sun selection. Seeing as Dirty Burger is a chain that’s not hanging on by its greasy fingertips though, the lack of choice is clearly working for them. Punch out the goats cheese, aioli and fried green tomatoes and stick to standard goods – cheese and beef and bread. You can’t go wrong.
We have mixed feelings here. When we first heard about a steak burger topped with peanut butter a hateful disgust rose up in us like a cluster of flies on bin day. Then we tried it and the real hate rose up. For ourselves. Because we liked it. We liked this sick, sick creation. In fact, we could have ordered all the truffle shaving, Bavarian cheese, and gruyere coleslaw imbued dishes but we didn’t have an extra tenner. These burgers get the luxury treatment and while yeah, we still ate the fries with our hands, we carved into the meat with respectful artistic style vigor.
Best Burgers in South London
So, this does sound a little like a subheading on a site that you’d definitely open in incognito mode. But it’s fine okay, the name makes sense. They sell sandwiches with gravy to dip in, and burgers that have been flipped because…well, otherwise…they’d only be cooked on one side. You get your classics like your bacon double cheese burger, then your more extravagant potato rosti burger with a fried egg. Sometimes they even put gravy on them, and if you’re saying you’re not tempted by that then you’re a filthy liar.
Get the best of the deep South BBQ without having to deal with the sweltering heat, crickets or really fun, really high crime rate. Bukowski brings it all to you, with the assumption that what would really make you happy is lots of toppings and booze in your milkshakes. Sway your way through a chocolate and rum shake while trying to keep your X-tudo burger in all one piece. That’s a beef patty with smoked chili aioli, lettuce, crushed avocados, double Gloucester cheese, oak smoked ham, spicy red onions and a fried egg. Yeah, good luck.
Best Burgers in East London
A chokingly trendy mutation of a classic jazz bar, a burlesque joint, and a Chicago diner, Blue’s Kitchen splits the room with its chipboard style elegance but delivers when it comes to food. Their burger of the month rewards the neophiles of the world, while their standard options can be loaded up to monstrous proportions with extras like halloumi and chilli cheese. Go if you’re looking for a ‘can’t talk, eating’ kind of evening.
Plain and simple, good hearted, honest, God fearing – can’t get much more purist than these burgers really. If you’re after a burger that won’t put your taste buds in a headlock and noogie it a bald spot - something nice and clip art looking, then this is your haven son. You dry those tears, put on your bucket hat and head on over to Shoreditch. They’ll take care of you there.
Best Burgers in West London
Remember when you were a kid and discovered you could say bacon in an over exaggerated, veering on offensive Jamaican accent by saying ‘beer can’. Yeah, don’t do that here. Boom Burger combines traditional Jamaican flavours with British-bred meat to create a damn good combination. It’s not healthy, but they put rocket and chilies in it, so it looks healthy, and that’s good enough for us. The bright interior and colourful array of boozy drinks creates a nice lift as well, but, in the end, it’s the bacon jam that’s the selling point here.
“Egh, a chain restaurant?” your friends sneer, poking you roughly in the chest and burning you with their menthols, “the only Byron I want to hear is She Walks in Elegance” You frown but don’t correct them – they still have menthols left. Sometimes you can’t go wrong with an everyday brand though, and it’s hard to deny that Byron’s got the goods. High-quality ingredients, comfortable interior, loos that aren’t in a graffiti decorated shed – we’re rooting for the chains right now.